Grace (49)

I wake up at 4:30 in the morning because Sofia is having trouble. I get up to give her more for her pain. On my way back to bed I see the almost full March moon hovering above our mountains on its way to the other side of the world. I stand by the sliding glass door and watch it, grateful to be awake to see it. After, I lie in bed awake, wrestling with my ongoing trouble with a colleague. These thoughts morph into worries about my job. What will happen if our nonprofit falters? Then I remember I don’t need to be afraid. I can trust the universe. Everything will be okay. I am curled up on my right side, Sable’s warm weight a comfort against my back. For a moment, I know I am held. Safe. Loved. It is like rolling onto my side on the yoga mat after Shavasana. I always lie there for a while, letting things sift through me, before I sit up and bow. “Namaste,” I whisper. The sky is beginning to lighten when I drift back to sleep.

German Healers Triptych (47)

Last December I met three women in my quest for healing. I knew I wasn’t completely well, wasn’t thriving. I’d found Adrienne, but she only came to Palm Springs once a month. I had insurance now that paid for acupuncture, so I looked through the provider list and found Beatrice (Beatrice Moncrief, Garden of Wellness). She is warm and generous, and German. This was unexpected, but because that is the bulk of my own ancestry, it made sense. (When I was five I decided I was three-quarters German.) The first time I met her, she suggested I may want to give up eating grains. I was already gluten free and mostly vegan, so I balked. I was defensive and cranky at the thought of giving up anything else, but she was kind and patient. Now when I lie facedown during the restorative part of my treatment, I go somewhere deep and watery and return restored. She tells me I’m always happier when I leave, and I know it must be true. One day I want to be able to be less depleted when I get there. And Beatrice led me to Michale (Michale K. Cashe, Herbal Wellness Center). Like me, she is the daughter of a German immigrant. She is warm and assertive. She reminded me of Auntie Gardi’s daughter Luisa who is another strong German-American woman with a wonderful big laugh. Michale smiles like Luisa, too, so I liked her straight off. She does this very cool biofeedback test and a voice analysis that I was especially fond of. She is the reason I am doing the toning to heal my thyroid and my kidneys. And in December when Adrienne didn’t show up, I had a healing and laying on of stones with Gitte (Europa Gitte). She told me I have something in me that resists my efforts to change. I remember standing in the back of the store after the healing and asking about her accent. When she told me she was German, the pattern was hard to miss. “I seem to have a theme of German healers in my life right now,” I said. And I am grateful for each of them, and to the universe for bringing me this triptych of German women helping me along the way. So thank you, Beatrice, Michale and Gitte. Here’s to you. And here’s to thriving.

Adrienne (39)

In more recent months, I stumbled upon a healer who practices the laying on of stones combined with her own version of energy. She names it quantum healing. It was the same experience I had with Lisa, the angel intuitive. I remember standing in the back room of the store, the art gallery where the healers often work, getting a feel for the three women working there that late September day. They were each working on someone, and again it was Adrienne’s energy that drew me. I chose her. And I was never sorry. It is a vulnerable act, an act of faith, to put yourself on the table in another’s hands. But I trusted her. She helped to bring me back from the last terrible summer months. She told me I had a chance to heal now at a deeper level, and being me, I felt like she was saying I should be doing something I wasn’t. She was patient with me, with my weird defensiveness. “Well, if you’re driving, and you get to an intersection in the road, it’s only then that you can turn left or right,” she said. “You can’t do it before you get there.” I believe it was my work with her that helped me find that full moon healing in December, the shedding of that old, heavy cloak. I went back to see her later that month, eager to hear what kind of progress she might see in me after having had that experience. But she was gone. And I know I have to trust the universe in this. I have to believe those three visits are what I was meant to have with her, and now they’re over. But I can’t help but wonder why. Could I not have kept Adrienne and Lisa a bit longer in my life, companions on this journey? Is it selfish of me to wish I could be buoyed longer than these brief bits of time? I can’t help but ask, is it something in me that makes this happen, that makes them go away? And the thought that comes is this. Maybe it is only to prevent me from becoming too dependent on them. Maybe it is the universe telling me to trust myself.