It’s the small things that stop me, give me breath. The unbelievable yellow of the new kitchen cloth from Trader Joe’s lying in a bright wet clump on the edge of the sink, the fleeting perfection of its spotlessness. The messy lumps of peeled mango piled inside the red glass bowl, waiting for me to finish writing and open a chilled bottle of Topo Chico to go with them. The surprising thunder of the cicadas in the neighbor’s tree, filling our courtyard garden, growing louder and louder as dusk darkens to night, their wild crescendo crashing through the open windows, the abrupt silence at full dark. I still find myself rubbing my fingers against each other sometimes, evidence of my hidden anxiety. But tonight I listen to the now-quiet air and feel the kind of peace I’ve been longing for.
[Editor’s note: This was originally written shortly after “The Thinning Veil.” As I work to return to my blog, there will no doubt be a mix of things past and present, maybe off season–this was in the heart of the summer–and so on. But here I am!]
I am so sorry to have disappeared on you again. I really miss feeling like a writer, and I am hopeful I’ll be returning to regular postings here very soon. Part of me has been tempted to give up this year’s blog, and part of me thinks I need to begin posting every day now to catch up. It tends to be one extreme or the other with me, you know. ;-)
Instead, I have been reviewing some of the blog entries I’ve written in the intervening time but never posted and adding to my lists of ideas, even scribbling a couple of new entries in the last week or so. In short, I am not pushing myself. I’m going to see how this unfolds, and try not to beat myself up if I don’t meet this year’s goal of 55 posts while I’m 55. (But, of course, I’m still hoping I will return so fully to being a writer that I’ll magically meet my original commitment without pressuring myself!)
So, thank you for not giving up on me, and if I end up showering you with posts in the near future (!!!) I will hope it won’t be overwhelming or annoying.